So, you might have read that TV Pitchman Billy Mays was found dead in his home on Sunday.  Early speculation was that it had something to do with the luggage that fell on his head when his plane's front tires blew out on landing the day before.  I mean, regardless of what caused it, that's a bad last day to have on this Earth.

Apparently it's was reported yesterday that it was heart disease, not the bump on the noggin.

So I was flipping through my "365 Stupidest Things Ever Said" Page-a-Day 2009 calendar (because I usually manage to stay a day or two behind on it...) and I came to this:

Yesterday.

June 29, 2009.

The day we find out that it wasn't the head injuries that killed Billy Mays, but the heart disease.  Freaky.

(Nothing unusual on the other recent celebrity deaths...)

Much to the delight of my coworkers, I cracked open a new stick of deodorant this morning.  Hopefully you have had the same experience once or twice in your life, and you know where I'm coming from with this.  Why can't they make it so when you turn the knob on a fresh stick, it actually goes up? 

Seriously, every time I open a fresh stick of deodorant, after removing the plastic pseudo-seal from the top, I twist the knob and nothing happens.  So I twist harder and meet some resistance.  Just at the point where the cheap plastic thing feels like it's about to break, the deodorant starts to move up.

That could be why some old people smell funny...they don't have the dexterity and strength to open fresh deodorant.

Okay, look.  When you're moving about in a ton of metal, that is, when you're driving, please do me just this one favor:

PAY ATTENTION!!!!!

Really! Pay attention to what you're doing.  If you pay attention to what you're doing, the likelyhood of you being in an accident decreases significantly.  Also, be aware that not everyone drives as well as you do, so you also need to pay attention to what the other morans out there on the road are doing.  The reason that you have to pay attention to these morans is that they aren't paying attention either.

The reason why I'm bringing this matter to your attention is due to two things I saw yesterday.  The first scenario:

I was driving along behind a car being towed by a truck.  This was a pickup truck, not a tow truck.  I never saw whether he was using a tow-belt/rope or a chain, but I'm guessing that it was either a chain or a random piece of rope.  Granted, he was increasing the safety of the situation by limiting his speed to 30 miles per hour.  I had the foresight that this would be an unsafe operation the minute I noticed the wheels wobbling like an unbalanced load of laundry.  Sure enough, I was not disappointed.  At roughly a quarter mile short of this two and a quarter mile journey, the left front tire comes off of the car he's towing.  It and part of the fender goes flying off the car, landing in the next lane.  This guy doesn't let off the gas, doesn't press the brake.  Had he been paying attention, he might have noticed that an integral part of the car he was transporting was no longer being transported.  He might have noticed that the ride, although smoother because half of the wobbly tires were gone, was becoming increasingly harder to pull because the front end of the car was now dragging the ground.  This guy keeps going about a quarter mile further, then turns off towards what I hope was his destination.  I'm sure he was dumbfounded at the fact that only three-quarters of the car's available tires were still on the vehicle.

The second scenario:

Upon getting in my car to leave the grocery store (which was probably a trip completed in record time), I noticed a minivan with a badly damaged left rear quarter-panel and brake lights.  Debris was on the ground (DEBRIS?!?), and another minivan was stopped nearby.  There was a guy standing around talking into a cell phone, I'm assuming either to his insurance or the local law enforcement.  As I drive to the other side of the accident scene, I notice that there is about a five foot scrape along the side of the lady's car.  Now, I went to high school with some non-driving people.  I saw many a parking lot fender bender in my day.  My experience tells me this:  in most collisions, the number of moving cars is directly related to the number of people not paying attention.  Had the lady in the grocery store parking lot been paying attention, she would have seen this guy barrelling out of the parking space.  Had the guy in the same situation been paying attention, he would have seen the lady zipping through the parking lot.

So...with that being said, please, pay attention!  K?

Look!  Up in the air!  It's a bird!  It's a plane!  Ah, who cares...look at your monitor, it's time for:

Yes, it's time once again for Stephen'z Small Town Newz:  headlines ripped and mangled from local small-town newspapers which happen to be online.  If your local small-town newspaper has a website you'd like for me to read, or if you want to submit your own headlines and links, please send me an e-mail.  I can't guarantee that I'll respond, but hey, it's worth a shot, right?

On with the Newz!

Pilot dies in Chadbourn plane crash (News Reporter)

Roxboro woman drowns trying to help an elderly family member (Person County Life)

More than tin years after I graduated, Person county Boys andgirls doing good at testes and stuff (Person County Life)

Chef Paula Deen sheds a tear as Tabor City trims more fat from their budget than ever before, y'all. (News Reporter)

Funding cuts not as bad as once feared; Bake Sale plans on hold (News Reporter)

We don't want no reputable businesses junkin' up our trailer parks. (News Reporter)

Thank you for calling 911.  All of our ambulances are busy tending to other customers.  If you'd like to leave a message, press 1 now, otherwise, please stay on the line, and someone will be with you shortly.  (News Reporter)

11-year-old walks through Roxboro on the way to DC on a trek to raise awareness of homeless children (Person County Life)

"In Russia, 911 calls you!  HEEE HEEEE, What a country!" (News Reporter)

New, nasty school lunches to be served by outside firm (News Reporter)

The Bank is dead!  Long live the bank!  (News Reporter)

Local man just felt like walkin'.  (News Reporter)

Okay, that was more Newz than you could effectively shake a stick at.  (Why you'd do that, or what good it would do is beyond me...)  Tune in next time for more Newz headlines and other useless information.

So they moved the Garden of Tranquility about 300 yards further away from the helicopter landing pad.  This is good, because when I think tranquil, I don't think 100 yards from the helipad, I think 400 yards from the helipad.

Well, we have another one.  A Denver police officer has been suspended for waving his sidearm inside the drive-thru window at McDonalds after his food order was taking too long.  (I can't decide where to put the link in that sentence, so I'll put it here.)

Now, friends, I enjoy a couple of all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, and onions on a sesame seed bun as good as the next guy.  I like some McNuggets.  McDonalds is not ashamed to give you some fries when you order fries.  They're not my first choice, though.  Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything personal against McDonald's.  It's just not my favorite restaurant.  I much prefer Wendy's and Burger King (in that order) over Mickey D's.  Was it a bad childhood experience?  Well, it could have been, but I doubt it.  I just think you can get better food elsewhere.  Actually, when it comes to fast food, you should definitely be hitting up your local fast food joint or semi-local chains first...unless you've just gotta have one of the other restaurants' specialty items.  Cops or not, it's just not worth the trouble of getting the law involved.  Consider it a lesson learned and avoid the place in the future.

Next time, just order a large, Farva.

So, today, as I was eating my yogurt with a fork (I like to look back at my 12 years of public school cafeteria eating as survival training), a thought occurred to me.  This wasn't the first time that the thought had occurred to me, but it did come to me once again at this time.  Why do they put the fruit on the bottom of the yogurt?  They brand it "fruit on the bottom" like it's something special.  On the contrary, I think it's more of the yogurt company's way of saying "you do the work, we make the money."  I'll have to do more research to find out if this is actually why they do this.  The only thing I could find was probably not something I really wanted to know about.

Meanwhile, while we're on the topic of marketing, I have seen another company who is very near and dear to my heart, and waistline.  Yes, Krispy Kreme, I'll always love you, but not only have you been hit by the grocery shrink ray, but the way you market your "HEY WOW LOOK AT ME!!!  THERE IS A NEW PACKAGE OF DOUGHNUTS AVAILABLE!!! It's only got 9 in it BUT WHO CARES?!?!?  IT'S A NEW PACKAGE WITH OUR TASTY DOUGHNUGHTS!!!" package makes me (and probably baby Jesus) cry a little.

In an effort to clear out my "Starred Items" on teh Google Reader, I'll now share with you some of the things I've found humorous in one way or another.  Let's go with cartoons first.

 

Cartoon by Dave Walker. Find more cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog at We Blog Cartoons.

toothpastefordinner.com

And now for the rest of the stuff:

12 Bugs We've Found In iPhone OS 3.0 (from woot!)

Mommy Sincerest and Lost In Translation (from [The Customer Is] Not Always Right)

And lastly, I've probably shared this via Facebook, but hey, it deserves it's own place right here on 'z Blog.

Today's good news brought to you by Pixar, makers of the new film: Up.

It's that time once again, time for:

Stephen'z Small Town Newz.

(Oh, quit with your groaning...nobody's making you read this.)

In case this is your first time reading Stephen'z Small Town Newz, what I'm doing is updating you on all the goings on that were big enough to make it to the local papers in the Roxboro or Whiteville metropolitan areas.  No, you didn't read that wrong.  I did, in fact, just refer to the areas surrounding both Whiteville and Roxboro metropolises.  I think that would cover more area than just the "Greater" area used by the local chambers of commerce, don't you?  Anyway, on with the Newz.

From Person County Life:

Roxboro City Council plans to coax people to using the new materials recycling facility by reducing garbage service.  What could possibly go wrong?  (Link)

Once again, Person County Commissioners discuss getting out there on them innernets. Just out of curiosity, how many Skype-out minutes will $30,000 buy?  (Link)

You bet your H1N1 it's the swine flu.  (Link)

Over 30 teachers axed to leave due to budget cuts.  (Link)

Six finalists met and greeted at PCC.  I'm waiting for the talent portion of the competition.  (Link)

Durham catching crap from Roxboro. 4250 gallons of it to be precise. (Link)

Ten classes have graduated since mine.  Congratulations PHS Class of 2009!  You've made me feel old. (Link)

From the News Reporter

Editor'z Note:  First of all, let me give kudos to the News Reporter for churning out news like it's their job.  I've finally whittled down from around 50 links of news that I kinda wanted to put in there to everhowmany articles we end up with here.

Five Whiteville High School teachers axed to leave due to budget cuts.  (Link)

When you're told to avoid someone during your probation, that probably includes marriage.  (Link)

This guy stole a TV, looks like Benjamin Linus from LOST. (Link)

Columbus County Transportation slated to receive $217,850 in urban project stimulus funds.  In other news, Columbus County now considered to be an "urban" area.  They must have heard my pronouncement of Whiteville as a metropolis.  (Link)

Also, there's your crime briefs from June 14, June 15, June 17, and June 18.

 

And, that's it for this edition of Stephen'z Small Town Newz.  Join us next time for more chicken kickin' fun! 

Editor'z Note:  The Editorial Staff of Stephen'z Small Town Newz does not condone animal violence.