Dear readers of Stephen'z Blog,

I'm not dead.

-Stephen

(An open letter I've submitted to Heinz via their website.)

To whom it may concern:

I just wanted to say that I have an increasingly unhealthy dislike for the new ketchup bottles.  Actually, I have no problem with the bottle itself, it's the lid.  

There's no way to be precise when dispensing the product.  I've tried to squeeze gently, thinking maybe the ketchup won't come out fast, and none comes out at all.  So I squeeze harder and harder, and none comes out.  I continue to squeeze harder, expecting the same results when, suddenly, out shoots a tablespoon of ketchup in one unfortunate location.  

Also, after the bottle decides to let loose the juice, I'm afraid to loosen my grip, as slowing the flow could possibly stop the flow.  I can no longer casually draw lines of ketchup on each french fry.  I must rush my food creation, squirting ketchup hither and yon, ketchup falling where it may without any regard as to which food I want it to accessorize.

While I like the original glass bottle, plastic is much more suitable to our household.  Gone are the days of "anticipation."  I'm okay with the plastic bottles with lids of days gone by.  However, this new plastic lid is just terrible.  Here are the days of haphazard Heinz hogwash.

I do hope you will consider reverting to the older free-flow style of lid, or somehow improving the lid so that I can once again be an artiste with my ketchup.

Thanks for your consideration,

-Stephen White

Nah...just an explination will do.

 

Gives me an idea on how to "fix" my truck door...

[From ThereIFixedIt.com]

Doooooooooooooooh, I'm peeved off! 

Say you go onto a website and they're trying to sell you something.  They might have something like this:

Genuine Rhinocerous Buttocks Replacement Kit $499,999.97

This item is a genuine rhinocerous buttocks replacement kit.

Features:

• Genuine Rhinocerous Buttocks
• 2 buttocks (one set)
• Nice rhinocerousy feel
• Color: Kinda greyish
• Texture:  rough and a little hairy

Click here for more details

So when you see this you might think to yourself, "Say, I'm interested in obtaining one of these rhinocerous buttocks replacement kits.  Does the kit smell like a genuine rhinocerous?  What flavor is the rhinocerous buttocks?  Will the rhinocerous buttocks replacement kit fit my cousin whose own buttocks turned orange with green stripes and purple polka-dots and subsequently fell off?  (I was very sorry to hear about that, BTW.)  I would like to see more details."

So, you click to see more details, and with what do they present you?  A little pop-up box containing:

Genuine Rhinocerous Buttocks Replacement Kit $499,999.97

This item is a genuine rhinocerous buttocks replacement kit.

Features:

• Genuine Rhinocerous Buttocks
• 2 buttocks (one set)
• Nice rhinocerousy feel
• Color: Kinda greyish
• Texture:  rough and a little hairy

What?!?  These are not more details!  These are the same details but with a different typeset and a different background! You can't fool me that easily!

The only thing worse than that is when someone shows a little picture, I mean a tiny picture.  One of those pictures you would expect to see as a buddy icon, but it's not quite large enough to make out what it is.  And right below, it says "Click to enlarge."  Then when you click it, they give you the SAME PICTURE AGAIN!!!  Or even worse, they are truthful and give you an enlarged picture which has only been enlarged by a fistful of pixels on each side!

Peeves me to no end...if you say you're going to give me more, give me more!  I'm not being greedy, I'm just trying to take someone up on an offer that he/she is not prepared to fulfill!

Click here for more things that peeve Stephen off.

Don't copy that floppy!  Or that CD, or that flash drive, or that DVD, or that...

(From YouTube)

(No, it's not time for a new category heading...yet.)

If you're not familiar with the concept of six degrees of separation, I'm not going to explain it to you.

Well, today I was glancing through this article from The Consumerist.  "Oh, a North Carolina man, eh?"

So...I clicked on through to the Yahoo article.  I read on... "Duke University Medical Center..." blah blah blah... "Manley's case eventually came to the attention of Dr. Momen Wahidi, director of interventional pulmonology at Duke."  Why does that name sound familiar?

I check back to my e-mail for where I thought I might see that name.  As it turns out, I just did a side job for a Dr. Maxwell.  Dr. Maxwell.  My boss had Ms. Springs contact me, and Ms. Springs put me in contact with Dr. Maxwell.  Ms. Springs is the assistant to:  Dr. Momen Wahidi.

My network is growing. 

...here are the 7 most inappropriate items you can buy for your child this holiday season...or any time for that matter!

From Huffington Post

Got DirecTV?  Watch Starz free tomorrow through Sunday!

Don't got DirecTV?  Shoot me an e-mail and I can save you $100!  (Not only will you save me $100 in the process, but you can also save another $100 if you sign friends up to DirecTV...)

The Ripple Effect: What One Layoff Means For A Whole Town (Frome Time.com)

"Though it has been painful for him, Whitfield's lost job should have had little effect beyond his immediate family. One lost job is a microscopic event in the massive organism of the U.S. economy."

This article is an interesting read about Roxboro, NC...just minutes from the booming Bushy Fork metro area where I grew up.

(Thanks to Cousin Susan for tipping me off to this one.)

What time is it?

That's right!  It's time once again for Stephen'z Weakly Reader.  The place where I rip things off the internet and share them with you, the people who read my blog.  If you're reading this on Facebook instead of on StephenzPage.com then you might be missing a little bit of the action...not much, just a little bit.

Anyway...RAWK AND ROHHHHLLL!!!  Starting with...

PICTURES!

(From FailBlog.org)

(From ASBO Jesus)

(From That Will Buff Out)

(From Graph Jam)

and now...

TEXT!!!

From Not Always Right...

(My husband works for the out of hours service and drives/assists the doctors with their house calls. I’m a veterinary nurse and as we work in the same area we often see the same people. At 2 am, the phone rings.)

Me: “Uh, hello?”

Husband: “Hi, my love. It’s just me. The doctor has a question for you about some meds. Do you mind talking to him?”

Me: “No problem, put him on.”

Doctor: “Hi, we’re at a patient’s house now. She’s worried because she accidentally took her cat’s medication. The thing is, she’s decanted the tablets into a tub and has lost the label. Can you tell me what they are?”

Me: “Well, give me a description of the tablets, I’ll see if I can recognise the med code.”

Doctor: “The pills are round, white and have A-S-P-I-R-I-N stamped on them.”

Me: “Seriously? Are you kidding me?”

(This clearly sets the doctor off, as he goes off on the following tirade:)

Doctor: “No! You said you would help! What’s your problem, for f*** sake! I have a patient that may be poisoned and you’re being a b****! It’s my JOB on the line here, do you understand that? MY JOB, I don’t know why I listened to that b**** driver what would you know anyway you are just some idiot nurse for f***ing animals nobody would give a s**t what you say you ignorant cow!”

Me: “It’s an aspirin…spelled A-S-P-I-R-I-N.”

Doctor: *prolonged silence* “I guess I should say sorry now, right?”

Also from Not Always Right...

Me: “Thanks for calling, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, your website has been timing me out ever since I switched computers.”

Me: “What kind do you use currently?”

Customer: “Mac, using Safari as the browser.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, we did not test the web site with Macs, and we know it doesn’t work properly with Safari.”

Customer: “Why didn’t you test with Macs?”

Me: “Most of our customer base use Windows based PC’s, typically with Internet Explorer.”

Customer: “Really? I think everyone should use Macs. Everything runs perfectly on them!”

Oh, and what about...

VIDEO!!!

I know I linked this on FaceBook, but here it is again on Stephen'z Blog...

(From YouTube)

---

That's it for this edition of Stephen'z Weakly Reader.  If you didn't like what you saw, let me know.  Honestly, I probably won't do anything about it, but I kinda like to know that I'm not the only one who ever looks at this.