If you're reading this, then both of you know I work at a hospital. To you, many of these jokes are funny. To me, many of them are just another day. Anyone who's ever worked in a hospital or doctor's office can relate, I'm sure.
Humor is the best medicine. (I read so in the Reader's Digest once...) See you in the funny pages!
-S
The president of a large hospital opened his
directors meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am
about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'."
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of
pain. "You have to help me, I hurt all over," said the woman.
"What do
you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The
woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts."
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then
she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The
doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You
have a broken finger."
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his
paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the
owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and
wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it
would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the
artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."
A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him
that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another
doctor runs into the room and says, "You're in luck, two hearts just became
available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an
attorney and the other to a social worker".
The man quickly responds,
"The attorney's".
The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a
little about them before you make your decision?"
The man says, "I
already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the
attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh
dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You
only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How
can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying
to contact you since yesterday.”
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving
oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say:
“That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the
general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.
The
psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his
discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said:
“That's it.”
A lady went running to a doctor with a badly spoiled stomach.
"What did
you eat for dinner last night?" asked the doctor.
"Oysters," she said.
"Fresh oysters?" asked the doctor.
"How should I know?" said the
lady
"Well," asked the doctor, "couldn't you tell when you took off the
shells?"
"My Gosh," gasped the lady. "Are you supposed to take off the
shells?"
Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient: Good, you
should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them.
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in New York City.
"The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting
here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us
realizes that there are germs in our drinking water."
"But there is one
thing that is the most dangerous of all, and all of us eat it. Can anyone here
tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"
"You, sir, in the first
row, please give us your idea." said the dietitian.
The man lowered his
head and responded, "Wedding cake?"
A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to
restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.
But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I
hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."
"No," said the
doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."
A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an
elderly patient. "Be sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours," the
pharmacist says.
"Don't worry," replies the patient. "It takes me 4
hours to get the lid off".
You Might Be a Nurse
If
- When using a public restroom, you wash your hands
with soap for a full minute and turn off the faucets with your elbows.
- Your favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient's bedside and
tell a doctor to clean it up.
- Everyone, including complete strangers, tells
you about each and every ache and pain they have.
- You want to put your foot
through the TV screen every time you see a nurse on a soap opera doing nothing
but talking on the phone and flirting with doctors.
- You can almost SEE the
germs on doorknobs and telephones.
- You can watch the goriest movie and eat
anything afterwards, even spagetti with lots of tomato sauce.
- You use a
plastic 30cc medicine cup for a shotglass.
We went to Grace's today for lunch. Grace has some excellent oriental cuisine. I see asian students every time I go down there, and they've ordered something that I'm not even sure was on the menu.
